Friending
Audio Recording by George Hahn
This year, I wrote a book called Notes on Being a Man. My publisher is billing it as a “path forward for men and parents of boys.” (Sounds … pretentious.) It’s also my life story — the good, the bad, and the ugly. Working on the book, I observed a pattern: My friends were/are key to the trajectory of me. According to Pew, 61% of U.S. adults say having close friends is extremely or very important for a fulfilling life. The shares of people who say the same about marriage (23%), children (26%), and making a lot of money (25%) pale in comparison.
And yet, American males have fewer friends than they used to. Three decades ago, 55% of men reported having at least six close friends — plenty for a pickup basketball game. Today only 27% of men can say the same. Worse, 15% of men say they have zero friends — a 5x increase since 1990. Read that sentence again: Nearly 1 in 7 men today doesn’t have a single person he can call to shoot hoops, grab a drink, or catch a movie.
What happens to those men when the shit gets real? One horrifying data point: Men account for 3 out of every 4 deaths of despair in America. Too many men are stuck, isolated, unproductive, and prone to obesity. They’re addicted to drugs, gambling, porn, and whatever other substances provide a dopa hit with minimal friction. They’re susceptible to misogyny, conspiracy theories, and radicalization. They make inadequate mates, employees, and citizens. Can we turn this around? Yes. We have to. That’s why I wrote the book. Here’s an excerpt about making friends.
________________
The best thing anyone can do to improve their own success is make friends with people of high character who are ambitious. You are the average of your five closest friends.
For the past three or four decades, my friends have mostly been men. For a long time earlier in life, women represented two things to me—they could either help make me rich, or I could (maybe) sleep with them. Men could help me out professionally. This was the stupid, closed-minded, transactional, and sexist way I approached my life until well into my forties. No longer. I’ve spent the past ten years developing really strong friendships with women and am especially close with the women I work with. One female colleague has been with me fifteen years, another twenty-five. I love my male friends for reasons that have nothing to do with me getting ahead.
Your goal at any age is to surround yourself with impressive, good, nice people. As you get older, though, the lanes in which you might feel comfortable narrow. The idea of going on a man-date or investing in a new friendship feels more difficult. The older you get, the more you just want to hang out at home, see your partner and kids, pop a gummy, watch Netflix, and maintain links with the friends you have, without putting effort into new ones.
Socially engaged men face the decision of whether to cap the number of their friendships or not. My advice: Never shut down possibility. Get in the way of chance. I’m always on the lookout for new friends. As we’re the average of our five closest friends, wouldn’t it make sense that I’d want to keep expanding and upgrading that friend group? The goal isn’t to surround myself with doppelgangers, it’s more about me learning, getting better, thinking differently. I find friends by pushing the limits. By not being afraid to put myself out there. By going beyond my comfort zone, e.g., staying home and watching Netflix. By assuming other people are on the lookout for friends, too. Example: George Hahn reads the audio version of my weekly newsletter. During Covid, he came out with a bunch of very funny viral videos. One day I sent him a Tweet: Can we be friends? Sure, he wrote back. What are you doing now? Nothing, I said. Okay, said George, let’s grab coffee. An hour later, we were having brunch in Soho. Recently, the CIO of an investment firm texted me out of nowhere: I think we’d be great friends. Think of it as friendship cold-calling. It takes courage and resilience. If others aren’t interested, they’re not interested. If they bite, you might find yourself having breakfast or lunch with someone great.
These days, in my quest for immortality, I’ve begun getting PRP—platelet-rich plasma—injections. The doctor draws my blood, spins it in a centrifuge, and re-injects it in my shoulders. It’s supposed to relieve aches, pains, and stiffness. I’ve gone a few times, and have gotten friendly with the doc, a young, good-looking guy in his mid-forties. Last visit, I asked him about himself—was he single/married/partnered, gay/straight, did he have kids? Straight, single, and childless, he appreciated my offer to set him up. We began talking about raising boys. Turns out he’s the team physician for the New York Rangers. He suggested we go to a hockey game—would my sons be interested?
A decade or two ago, I would have said no. Not his fault. I wouldn’t have been confident enough. He was too impressive, and I would have been intimidated. It would have been too important to me to not admit I wanted him to like me, and for us to become friends. This happens to a lot of young people in America—for various reasons, their self-esteem gets so battered from hitting roadblock after roadblock while watching others succeed that they give up, foreclose on taking any more risks, whether it’s applying for a job or approaching a woman. Don’t bother, they tell themselves. You’re not worthy, you’re not that guy. In my thirties and forties, I went to every social event, found the most powerful people in the room, and became their friends or invited them to golf so I could get their business. And for reasons too exotic for me to comprehend, I was struggling with happiness? I said yes to the hockey game. The four of us had a great time. Note: You’re the average of your five closest friends. Never shut down the opportunity to meet and learn from new people.
Life is so rich,
P.S. You can pre-order Notes on Being a Man here. It will be available Nov 4.
59 Comments
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Great letter. Friendship is an overlooked topic and I dont know why. I am glad that you decided to pick it and give it room. For me, friendship has changed my perception of life and has tought me that live can get better by just talking. I would love to hear your experiences.
Scott, I have entered the “Age of Confidence” and am loving it so much. Not over the top but stable and secure. Worked hard for this, and now it’s easy. Appreciate the rewards for that work. I was always fearful that it wouldn’t come, and my journey would seem foolish. Or maybe I like being foolish. Thanks for what you do. Leslie
Great suggestion for expanding your male friend circle. Too many men fail when they play the role of “Gary Cooper, the strong, silent type.” (Quoting Tony Soprano, season one.)
Brill Prof G – great insight on a confidence virtuous circle to ‘friend up’ ….defeats imposter syndrome if you take up people’s offers who think higher of you than you do
Men with no friends, who are married, inadvertently burden their wives who feel pressure to fill more roles or feel guilty when they leave their husbands alone to socialize.
Like all your posts, especially this one.
Here is some feedback on your comment about immortality.
None of the founders of our company(www.asherlongevity.com) have any intent of EVER dying.
Would you like to know the 220 things I am doing to live forever with great health?
Happy to share…. it might even lead to a new friendship! 🙂
p.s. I have about 25 close friends, half women! Most are Vistage chairs I am coaching on a complimentary basis.
I love this episode and all the light you shine on the topic of guy friendships. It made me also think of a recent Josh Johnson standup episode where he jokes about women setting up playdates for their boyfriends (Titled “This TikTok Prank is Accidentally Healing Men”). You two should get together and make this a product. Like a dating app for dads and their sons. Throw in Kara for good measure.
This hit home for me. If you’re ever in Orange County, CA, I’d love to meet up and buy you a drink! – Kyle
Scott, Looking forward to reading your book. I’ve had so many opportunities to make lasting friends, but have not. Why? I don’t know, but self confidence and low self esteem played a lot into my inability to develop close friendship. I do cherish my close friend, Wayne, my high school buddy and best man at my wedding. But never seem to talk often enough. A kkey to stsying close.
My friends, including one female friend, and my wife have, and continue to be, my salvation –helping me through grief, making me laugh, giving me advice. They’re the reason I can’t contemplate moving. The statistics you cite are sobering. I look forward to reading your book.
I have ordered your book, it is available here in the UK already.
I am an American living and working in the UK.
I have read a bit of your writing and I think it would be fantastic if you would write 2 more books on this subject matter:
One for kids under 15 and one for young adults up to 25.
There is a big potential market there and you could do a lot of good.
Thank you,
Toni
Love it Prof G, great read!
Scott PopaGummyway 🙂
You have a fantastic recall for numbers And an engaging style of communication very effective for a podcast
There are friends and there are friends. The ones you have and the ones you keep. The ones you have are those you enjoy time with into parts of your lives. The ones you keep are that and more. They are confidants and empathetic. They invest in you and you in rhem them not only time but conversations that capture the true essence of your life with honesty, integrity and support. I remember the great Bull Russell describing in an SI piece (when it was just Sports Illustrated), a like admission that he knew and liked a lot of people but had maybe 3 close personal friends. I am always looking to make friends but the ones you covet mostly require seasons of cultivation. They see the homeopathic you.
Be open to the fact that “best friends” at one age are not always available throughout your life. This can be because of living distant from each other or being overwhelmed by work or family challenges. However , staying “in touch” over the years will allow you to circle back and reignite that bff relationship. In the meantime, making an effort to find new friends may yield the compassionate and understanding friend we all need now.
Great post giving me new look for friendship and life must read the book
I’d like to be friends, Scott. I think you’d find me interesting for many reasons but we would vibe because we are both objective, real talk dudes who understand we’re not the center of the universe -and accept our talents and shortcomings equally. And, we both have a fair amount of emotional intelligence. Hit me up! 🙂
I wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore. The wiser younger Scott, yeah, not this fake one.
You changed, you caved to the woke left, or it was always there.
Your envy of Elon, off-base Clooneyesque hatred of Trump, made you insist Kamal Harris was worthy as our POTUS. Embarrassing for someone who knows talent and is a smart man.
Yeah, Trump can be a jerk-off sometimes, but his head and shoulders about that illiterate DEI forced whatever she is, certainly not a leader with skill, political talents, or a personality.
Her laugh belies what a moron does when she cant think straight, which is most times.
A blowjob is an apt description.
You moved to the UK, where boys are treated even worse than in the US.
If I got rid of all my friends that weren’t perfect (or weren’t in lockstep with my own thinking) I’d be very alone.
This book is highly enlightening, heartwarming, motivational, educational, Inspirational and lots more.
When it is out, ‘am humbly request for ecopy of the book.
Warm Regards.
Abimbola.
To the point, but what a fast no mercy /no malice!
F’ing fantastic read! Thanks, Scotts. I love your podcasts and your willingness to be vulnerable. It is inspiring and infectious. Keep up the excellent work.
Wonderful thoughts Scott and so reflective of my own journey. Thanks for articulating your journey so well.
Great article, Scott. I’m a big fan and I’ve enjoyed your podcasts as well. Would you be interested in speaking to a boys high school about your book? You would be the ideal person to address the issues that young men are facing these days. I can provide details if this is of any interest to you. Hope to hear from you soon.
Scott you are so right about new friends
My wife has cancer and I am becoming friends with her doctor, an amazing 40ish guy who has given so much to treating my wife .
He wants to mountain bike with me he is a beginner and I’ve been ridinfg and racing for 35 years
I’m 68 and he still wants to hang out and ride
I’m amazed lol
I love your emails and obsessed with your you tube appearances by the way
Hi Scott, Very interesting perspective. Curious if your research contemplated religion at all. Might be a third rail for some, like political party alignment, but curious particularly if you came across any relevant data on the level of men’s active involvement in volunteerism, such as within a church, temple, association, and community, or on their efforts in charitable works of mercy and charitable giving, etc.
I love it. I am 75 yrs old grew up in public housing in nyc. I have friends for 65-70 yrs that still get together at least twice a year from the same project. Friendship has been the building block of my life and my grown children have benefited from that and have incorporated that into their lives. I would like to be your friend. Your are a true inspiration to myself and our country. Thanks brother
Spot on making friends. I have gone from overcoming fear of talking to women, to young age men where they were always plentiful. Now I have a fear of asking men to be friends. Retired people talk a lot, asking for friendship differently. Lost so many friends over Trump crap, either them or I call it quits. I finally met someone scared to ask if they like Trump. The job market is the best place to meet friends. Need to get them working at a young age, 14 to 18, so they are prepared when they’re 18 for the man journey. That’s why I wrote a book, soon to be published on Amazon, for you, my Friend Scott Galloway. Thanks for the encouragement, I won’t be written as eloquently as your book. That’s OK, my target audience is 14 – 18, not accomplished readers.
I would love to be your friend! 🙂
Spot on making freinds.I have gone from overcoming fear of talking to women young age men where always plentiful. Now I have fear asking men to be freinds. Retired talk alot asking for friendship diffrent. Lost so many freinds over Trump crap either them or I call it quits. I finally meet someone scared to ask if they like Trump. The job market best place to meet freinds. Need to get them working young age 14 to 18 so they are prepared when thier 18 for the man journey. That’s why I wrote a book soon to published on Amzon for you my Freind Scott Galloway. Thanks for the encouragement won’t be written as eloquently as your book. That’s OK my target audiance 14 – 18 not accomplished readers.
So true. With increasing social and geographical mobility it’s difficult to maintain friendships over time and distance.
I’d like to be friends with you Scott but if you are the average of your 5 closest friends I would likely lower your average by 20 points at least.
Let’s be clear: a good chunk of this division comes from the left hitting the eject button on any friend or family member who strays from the political script. Funny how that road to social exile only seems to run one way. The “tolerant left” then justifies its own intolerance by pulling out the usual bingo card of accusations—racism, sexism, homophobia, and the ever-dramatic cry of “Fascism!”
There’s a self-destruct component that’s built into this brainwashing program that makes people angry, lash out, and burn bridges.
Cults love to exploit angry, lonely people that don’t have any real friends.
Love everything you write! Did the PRP help your shoulders?
I just sent this to my son
And though I know your focus is on men, I I’m 76 and still making new friends-this is just as relevant for older people as it is for our young men
Thank you, Scott. I do believe men in our culture need a boost. You’ve forgotten one area of importance though – the influence of the “Dark Web” – the influence of this on the internet is spreading all over the world and many men – particularly young men are getting hooked on it. It encourages evil – that is the best way to describe it. Please consider the statistics on mass shootings – why so many by young men? They need a safety net! Your book will help, but do they read? Please consider a documentary that runs on all social media – because, unfortunnatly, that’s where the young men/some older men, are these days. Thank you for your insight and dedication to helping humanity!!
Such a beautiful idea. I’m going to meet a business associate on monday. Now in addition to the business i’m going to try to make him my friend.
As a woman married for 50 years to a really friendly fun guy I affirm this wise and timely advice. It takes all of the emotional labor off of a wife if her husband can make his own friends. As a line in a poem “On Marriage”, by Kahlil Gibran advises “Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf'” the idea being that each partner has a different experience and has something to bring to the table, something to share of interest . The poem also says, “fill each other’s cup but drink not from the same cup”. Pursue each of our own interests as well as shared interests , make our own friends as well as shared friends. Keeps the conversations and life interesting!
What attracted to my husband was that he had lots of male friendships. I was thrilled he was part of a world I wasn’t involved with, it made him much more interesting to me. He went to an all-boys prep and Princeton before they admitted women, maybe that had something to do with it. I am aware this isn’t a popular stance, but it maybe wouldn’t hurt to try all boy and all girl education again.
I did cold-email you a few months ago since you live right by me in Marylebone. Would love to meet for a coffee someday…
Great article. I owe so much to my friends. From setting me up w my future wife at 18 to showing me how to create value in the marketplace. Can’t imagine life without them
Wow. a whole post with no mention of Trump! nice, refreshing even. thank you. no, seriously, THANK YOU! was it therapeutic for you? was for me. can we have more of that version of Prof G?
I agree.
We should encourage this version of Scott.
I am now 76 and have embraced having more and different friends. I can’t count how many, but I have a fairly constant calendar filled with lunches, tennis, golf and various other ways to get together. Not sure how this came about, but a good part of it is retirement which allows time for these friendships. Thanks for recognizing and writing about this. Congratulations!
Whether you are a lone voice in the wilderness or not thank you for putting these kinds of observations out for public discourse.
Nice Scott! I was recently referred to your newsletter from an old friend from grad school. I am also concerned and have a social health non profit and podcast called Hometown Friends. My last post was in Male Friendships if interested I would love 5 minutes to introduce myself Any interest?
Looking at the data in your “Number of Friends” chart, this certainly appears to be BOTH a men and women problem.
Hey Scott,
Never too late to change and choose friends wisely.
The ladder climbed to get here didn’t get kicked-out from under you by a ‘friend’.
All good.
Thank you for your frank self-assessment. Even in New York when I am an independent, working woman 87 years old on a fixed income, close friends are dead. Others have moved, and resettled happily. I am fortunate my work is solitary, and solitude is my close friend.
Can WE be friends? 😋 I’m not a man, so my opinion is perhaps superfluous, but I’ve started doing more “friend working” in my 50s, as well. If I read something online that resonates, I drop that person a note to let them know and try to make a meaningful connection.
When I was younger, I would have never done that and likely missed out on some fabulous folks to add to my inside 5 (don’t get me wrong, I adore my my current personal BOD!). I think this is a bit easier for women, who “tend & befriend,” but the statistics on loneliness in the U.S. are grim for all of us.
Looking forward to reading the book!
I found much of this interesting, some of it helpful, and I will likely buy and read your ‘Notes on Being a Man’.
Your ‘search for immortality’ sounds misguided and naive, particularly the injections. I would suggest that your sons, your friends, hopefully the mother of your sons, and your writing are all parts of your legacy – that is a more realistic approximation of ‘immortality’. just sayin’…
I think uh, that the cause of one could be the effects of the other
Verse visa.
Our own personal experience is very difficult because of my social network an African American male, got my ideas, aspirations and the things that I tried to share with others is I try to get help to accomplished those goals.I always intimidated the people that I was talking to. They were scoffers and skeptics and didn’t believe that it could be achieved by me or us.
The stress and the frustration that on to the things you point out to be the melodies.
At 872, I’m still striving. He’s still fighting the melodies.
But enjoy your white privilege
sir – i was truly interested in your comment but your grammar and spelling are atrocious so I sorta gave up. hope you’re healthy at “872”.
LOL!!!
Imagine being 872 years old and bitching online about some 60 year old guy’s white privilege.
That’s like a 20 year old guy bitching online about how some 1 year old is giving him attitude.
While I agree that friendships shape us, I reject the notion that we’re merely the average of our five closest friends. That formula oversimplifies human complexity and risks turning relationships into self-improvement tools. Growth comes not just from proximity to ambition, but from empathy, challenge, and even discomfort. I believe in cultivating friendships based on mutual respect, not strategic advantage—and sometimes the most transformative connections come from those society overlooks.
Love this Scott, I’m forwarding to my boy mom friends! By the way, most of this applies to females as well! Thanks, and looking forward to the book.
I raised boys. Now men. Raising boys of their own. For context.
“What happens when shit gets real?” Family happens. Brothers happen.